Not everyone is out. But that doesn’t mean they’re not here.
We’re quick to celebrate the LGBTQ+ people who are visible and vocal. Visibility matters, especially in agriculture, where representation is still finding its footing.
But in many rural areas, people may not feel safe being out where they live or work. That’s their choice. Their pace. Their comfort level. And sometimes what someone needs most isn’t encouragement to come out. It’s simply knowing they’ll be supported when and if they ever decide to.
That support doesn’t always have to be big grand gestures, and that’s where hidden allyship comes in.
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You may never know who needs it. But they notice the small things, like the way we talk, who we include, what we laugh off or don’t. Those little moments do more work than most of us realize.
When I think back to the years when I was trying to figure out how to come out, I can still feel how heavy that uncertainty was. I didn’t need big gestures. I just needed a sense that someone in the room would be safe if I ever shared more of the part of me I was made to feel like I should hide from others.
There was one coworker who did that for me in an environment where I was really uncertain how others would react to someone coming out. They didn’t ask questions or try to guess anything. They just treated me in a way that gave me a little more sense of belonging. At the time, I didn’t understand how much that mattered. Looking back, it made a huge difference. Knowing that someone is there to support you no matter what can do more than a loud proclamation ever could.
I think about that a lot now. And I hope everyone finds that kind of support when they need it. I also hope I show up in that way for someone else when they need it.
We’re heading into a stretch of the year full of work and community events, and family traditions. A lot of people spend this time navigating who they’re out to, who they’re not, and who they’re unsure about. That’s when having an ally can really make an impact.
It doesn’t always look like taking a big stand. Sometimes it’s the quiet things. The things you think no one notices.
A while back, I shared a conversation from some connections at Virginia Tech on hidden allyship. It’s a good reminder that supporting someone doesn’t require knowing their whole story. It just requires recognizing that everyone’s timeline is their own.
Here are a few points on hidden allyship that are worth hanging onto:
Stop trying to “figure it out.”
Guessing or speculating about someone’s identity doesn’t make them feel welcome. It makes them feel watched. No one needs that.
Let people show up as themselves.
Give people room to be who they are that day, without judgment or expectations. Sometimes that’s the safest kind of support you can offer.
Celebrate what you can.
A little encouragement goes a long way. Small moments of kindness or recognition can mean more than you realize. Especially for someone still deciding whether it’s safe to be seen.
Respect the pace.
Coming out isn’t one big moment. It’s a series of decisions, often made quietly over time. It’s not your timeline to manage. Patience matters. So does consistency in how you show up for others.
What you say and do when you don’t know who’s listening can shape how someone feels about belonging. Sometimes that’s all it takes.
You don’t have to be the loudest voice in the room to be an ally. Just someone who helps the air feel a little easier to breathe.
If you want to dive deeper into this conversation on hidden allyship, here’s a thoughtful discussion with Dr Tiffany Drape and Dr Kendrick Spencer of Virginia Tech: Hidden Allyship.
Join the conversation