As we head into Thanksgiving week, I keep coming back to something I’ve heard from so many LGBTQ+ people and have lived myself:
the holidays aren’t always a season of “going home.”
For some of us, home is complicated.
Sometimes it’s a place where people said things they can’t take back.
Sometimes it’s a place where people can’t make room for who we are or who we bring to the table with us.
This time of year, a lot of people — not just LGBTQ+ people — lean hard on what we call chosen family. These are the people who show up simply because they want to. Friends, coworkers, neighbors who became more like family. People who make room for us in ways our biological families sometimes don’t. And honestly, those relationships often end up feeling steadier than the places we grew up.
And I think it is worth recognizing:
Not every family looks like the traditional holiday picture.
Not every home is welcoming.
And not everyone feels comfortable being their full self around the people they’re “supposed” to spend the holidays with.
For a lot of people, this season can be both meaningful and a little heavy. You can appreciate the holiday and still feel the weight of not fitting into the expectation of what it’s “supposed” to look like. That’s more normal than we talk about.
I came across an explanation recently that put words to describing chosen family.
“Lots of queer people feel like, in their families of origin, they can experience authenticity or connection – not both. But in these chosen families, they can really experience authenticity and connection. They can show up as their full selves and still be loved, rather than have to contort themselves in order to feel loved and accepted by others.”
Authenticity and connection. Not one or the other, not earned through hiding part of ourselves, not conditional. Just showing up and being met where we are.
And that’s really what chosen family offers for a lot of people during this season.
So as we move into this year’s holiday season, I just want to share that it’s perfectly okay to choose who you surround yourself with during the holidays.
Even if family members are questioning why you’re not “coming home,” it’s okay to choose the place where you belong as your whole self. You shouldn’t have to leave part of yourself at the door just to make someone else comfortable.
Sometimes that needs to be said. I’ve been in that spot, and I know many others have too. At a certain point, you learn that drawing a boundary doesn’t mean you don’t care. It just means you’re not willing to shrink yourself to fit someone else’s expectations.
Holidays can look different for everyone, and that’s more than okay. Whether you’re with family, chosen family, or simply spending the day in a way that feels right for you, you deserve to be somewhere you can show up fully as yourself.
Wishing you a peaceful holiday season, however you choose to spend it.
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